Passive, Aggressive, or Assertive? Finding Your Voice in Conversations

Where We Go Wrong in Communication

Assertive communication is often seen as the gold standard when it comes to expressing ourselves in a healthy, respectful way. But the reality is, we all switch between different communication styles depending on various factors - like our emotions, upbringing, cultural background, and personal beliefs.

This post explores the four most common types of communication styles: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. You may notice how culture plays a strong role, particularly in South Asian communities. Of course, not all South Asian families or individuals are the same - but many share common values around respect, hierarchy, and keeping the peace, which can strongly influence communication patterns.

Passive Communication: Putting Others First (Even When It Hurts You)

Passive = Putting others first while ignoring your own needs.

Passive communication is when you tend to prioritise other people’s needs above your own. You might stay quiet, go along with what others want, or avoid speaking up - even when something doesn’t feel right. This is often done to avoid conflict or out of a sense of respect.

In many South Asian cultures, being passive is learned from a young age. We're often taught not to upset others, to show respect to elders, and to avoid confrontation. Over time, this can make us believe we must always put others first - even if it means ignoring our own feelings or needs.

There are some upsides to being passive. You may be seen as polite, easygoing, and respectful. You're less likely to cause conflict. But the downside is that you can end up feeling unheard, frustrated, or invisible.

Passive communication is often confused with being easygoing. But there’s a key difference: when you're easygoing, you genuinely don’t mind what happens. When you're passive, you do care - but you choose not to speak up to keep the peace.

I’ve caught myself saying “It’s fine” in situations where I actually felt uncomfortable - just to avoid disappointing someone else.

Noticing this difference is the first step toward building a more balanced, respectful way of expressing yourself.

Aggressive Communication: Speaking Up, But Too Harshly

Aggressive = Putting your needs above others in a forceful way.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is aggressive communication. Instead of holding back, you speak up - but in a way that can sound angry, demanding, or forceful. It can come across as if your needs matter more than anyone else’s.

The benefit? You may get what you want. The cost? You may damage your relationships, lose respect, or push others away.

In South Asian cultures, where respect, politeness, and not “rocking the boat” are often valued, aggressive communication can feel especially uncomfortable or taboo. It may even be looked down upon more than in other cultures.

But here’s something to consider: if you've been passive for too long, your unspoken needs and feelings can build up inside you. Eventually, that quiet frustration can turn into anger and come out as aggression.

I’ve had moments where I stayed quiet for too long, and then suddenly snapped over something small. It wasn’t really about that one moment, it was all the bottled-up frustration that came out at once.

Recognising this pattern is a powerful step. It helps you speak up before things reach a boiling point - so you can be heard without hurting others or yourself.

Passive-Aggressive Communication: Saying It Without Saying It

Passive-Aggressive = Expressing frustration indirectly.

Sometimes, we find ourselves stuck between not wanting to speak up and still wanting to be heard. This can lead to a mix of both passive and aggressive communication.

Passive-aggressive communication is when you don’t say what’s bothering you directly -but your tone, expressions, or behaviour send a message. It's what happens when you're upset but don’t feel comfortable saying so openly, so it leaks out in indirect ways.

You might say something like, “It’s fine,” but in a cold or irritated tone. Or stay silent while rolling your eyes or slamming doors. Or you might say something that sounds polite, but is actually loaded, like, “Don’t worry, I’m used to doing everything myself.”

This style of communication is common - especially in cultures like ours, where confrontation is discouraged. In many South Asian families, we’re taught to keep quiet, respect others, and not speak out. When we don’t feel safe or allowed to express our frustration, it can sneak out sideways through sarcasm, silent treatment, or indirect comments.

I once lived in a share house where someone left a sticky note about dishes that said, “Fairies don’t live here.” It was funny, but it also left everyone confused about who it was aimed at, and nothing actually changed.

The upside of passive-aggressive communication? You avoid a direct argument. The downside? Your needs often go unmet because the message isn’t clear.

If you recognise this pattern in yourself, try not to judge. Many of us do it. The goal isn’t perfection, it’s to find healthier, more direct ways to express how you feel.

Assertive Communication: Speaking Up with Respect

Assertive = Communicating your needs clearly and respectfully.

Assertive communication is the sweet spot. It means speaking up for yourself in a way that is clear, calm, and respectful - both to yourself and to the other person.

You express your needs, thoughts, or boundaries without ignoring the other person’s needs or making them feel small. But this can be tricky, especially in cultures like ours where being direct may be misunderstood as being rude or aggressive.

In many South Asian communities, children grow up being told to “just let it go,” “don’t talk back,” or “respect your elders.” So when we finally try to be assertive, it can feel uncomfortable, or we may overcompensate and come off as too strong.

A helpful way to check if you’re being assertive is to ask yourself: Am I being respectful to both myself and the other person?

True assertiveness involves:

• Sharing how you feel using “I” statements

• Asking for what you need, clearly and kindly

• Being open to hearing "no" and finding a middle ground

I still remember the first time I said, “I need some time for myself today” without over-explaining or apologising. It felt uncomfortable, but also really empowering.

Assertive communication doesn’t guarantee that you’ll get what you want, but it does help you build self-respect. You’re honouring your own voice. And over time, it actually increases the chances that others will understand and respond to your needs.

How Can We Practice Being More Assertive?

If you’re used to being passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive, it can take time to develop assertiveness. One helpful framework is the DBT skill DEAR MAN—a tool designed to help you have respectful, clear, and confident conversations, especially when asking for something or setting a boundary.

Start by asking yourself:

What do I need or want from this person?

Once you’re clear, follow these steps:

D – Describe

Start with the facts. 

“When you’re on your phone while I’m talking…” “When I get one-word answers from you…”

Avoid emotional interpretations like “You always ignore me”—which can lead to arguments.

E – Express

Use "I" statements to share how you feel.

“I feel unheard when that happens.” “I don’t feel listened to.”

Avoid blaming language like “You make me feel small.”

A – Assert

Clearly ask for what you need.

“I’d like you to put your phone away while we talk.” “Could you give me your full attention?”

Don’t assume the other person will guess what you need—spell it out.

R – Reinforce

Explain why it matters.

“It would help me feel more connected to you.” “I’ll feel more comfortable opening up.”

If needed, gently share what might happen if things don’t change:

“If I keep feeling ignored, I might stop sharing my feelings.”

Research shows it’s usually better to focus on what someone will gain by changing, rather than what they’ll lose - but sometimes, both are needed.

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M – Mindful

Stay focused on the main point. 

If they bring up unrelated things, respond with:

“We can talk about that later. Right now, I want to focus on this.”

Repeat your point calmly if needed.

A – Appear confident

Even if you don’t feel it—try to look and sound calm and steady. Make eye contact, keep your voice clear, and hold your posture with confidence.

N – Negotiate

Be open to middle ground. 

Ask: “What would help us both feel heard right now?”

Or suggest compromises:

“If your phone is distracting, maybe a fidget toy would help?” “Can we talk later when you're less distracted?”

It’s okay to set limits, too:

“I’m happy to wait until you’re ready, but I need us to talk properly.”

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We all have different communication habits—shaped by our experiences, emotions, and cultural values. The goal isn’t to be perfect, but to notice what patterns we fall into, and slowly shift toward expressing ourselves with clarity, care, and respect.

Assertiveness might not always get you what you want, but it can bring you closer to feeling heard, valued, and connected. And that’s a powerful change.

Which communication style do you notice in yourself most often? What’s one situation where you’d like to practice being more assertive this week?

If this made you pause or reflect, you’re welcome to share your thoughts below. It might help someone else, too.