The Gentle Work of Holding Your Inner Child

Schema therapy, at its heart, is the gentle work of learning to notice, care for, and hold the child parts of ourselves that never fully had their needs met. These parts still live within us, showing up as old patterns, fears, or self-criticism. By slowing down and holding our inner child with compassion, schema therapy helps us rewrite the story we carry.

Why I Want to Talk About Schema Therapy

Schema therapy is a modality close to my heart. Through both my work with clients and my own experiences, I’ve seen how powerful it can be in helping people shift when they feel stuck. It goes deeper than learning skills and strategies, it helps you understand yourself in ways that move beyond the here and now.

Together, we can uncover your thought and behaviour patterns, explore where they come from, understand how they once served as useful coping strategies, and finally, find ways to break free from them.

What Are “Schemas” Anyway?

Schemas are patterns of thinking and behaving that develop when our emotional needs aren’t fully met in childhood.

All children have five core emotional needs:

Secure Attachment

• Feeling safe, loved, nurtured, and accepted.

• Having caregivers who are consistent, protective, and attuned.

Autonomy, Competence, and Sense of Identity

• Being encouraged to explore, make choices, and develop independence.

• Having space to discover “who I am” without being overcontrolled.

Freedom to Express Valid Needs and Emotions

• Being able to share feelings openly without fear of rejection, shame, or punishment.

• Having emotions respected and validated.

Spontaneity and Play

• Opportunities for fun, joy, curiosity, and creativity.

• Space to be playful without constant demands or criticism.

Realistic Limits and Self-Control

• Learning boundaries, rules, and responsibilities.

• Developing a healthy balance between freedom and accountability.

When these needs aren’t met, children may form maladaptive schemas (like abandonment, defectiveness, or failure) that continue into adulthood. These needs don’t have to be met 100% of the time, but if they’re consistently unmet, they can lead to specific unhelpful patterns.

Schema therapy helps us identify and unlearn these patterns, and replace them with healthier, more adaptive ways of meeting our needs.

How Do These Schemas Show Up in Daily Life?

You might notice schemas showing up in everyday life. For example, maybe you often feel anxious that people you care about will leave you, even when there’s no real reason to believe that. Or perhaps you push yourself to impossible standards, whether at work, at home, or in how you present yourself, yet still feel like it’s never good enough.

Some people find themselves always putting others first to avoid conflict, or depending heavily on others to make decisions because they doubt their own judgment. These are just a few ways schemas can quietly shape the way we think, feel, and act, often leaving us stuck in the same frustrating cycles.

What Does Schema Therapy Actually Do?

In schema therapy, I work with clients to:

• Understand what their childhood was like and identify unmet needs.

• Use questionnaires to map out patterns of thinking and behaving.

• Explore how these patterns are getting in the way of current life.

• Connect present-day challenges with unmet needs from the past.

• Work on meeting these needs through conversation and experiential techniques (like imagery or chair work).

When it works, you may find a sense of relief after a session, or notice the urge to fall back into old patterns starting to lessen. For some people, this happens quickly, and for others it takes more time. There’s no set timeline, everyone’s journey is different.

Modes: The Different Parts of Us

In schema therapy, we think about ourselves as having different “parts” or “modes.”

Sometimes your Healthy Adult mode shows up, allowing you to take care of yourself with compassion. Other times, the Inner Critic might be louder, leaving you feeling inadequate or driving you to overwork.

Schema therapy helps us strengthen the most helpful modes like the Healthy Adult and the Happy Child, while softening the impact of the parts that keep us stuck.

How Schema Therapy is Different from Other Approaches

Every therapy modality has its own purpose and strengths:

• CBT focuses on present challenges and teaches strategies to change unhelpful thoughts and behaviours in the here and now.

• DBT provides skills and strategies to better cope with emotions and relationships.

• Schema Therapy goes deeper, uncovering why we behave the way we do and addressing patterns at their root.

Often, I use a mix of these approaches, helping clients challenge thoughts when needed, learn coping strategies for the present, and also work on shifting the deeper root causes that drive patterns.

Moving Forward With Compassion

Schema therapy is about more than breaking old patterns — it’s about learning how to gently hold your inner child, again and again, until those vulnerable parts begin to feel safe. This is slow, compassionate work, but it can be deeply transformative. With the right support, you don’t have to do it alone.

While it can feel daunting at first, the process happens in a safe, supportive space. I always move at a pace that feels right for you. Our work is collaborative, you’ll never be pushed too far, too quickly. My role is to walk alongside you, helping you explore what will best support you in reaching your goals.

If some of what I’ve shared here resonates with you, know that you don’t have to work through it alone. Schema therapy can be a safe space to explore these patterns and begin making lasting changes. If you’d like to learn more or see if it’s the right fit for you, feel free to reach out.

Begin Your Healing With Me